Should my complicated relationship with Brian be kept a secret?
A couple of weeks ago I wrote this, wondering if I should go public with The Life of (my) Brian. "He's not the Messiah, he's a very naughty boy." 🧠 🛒
It amuses me to call my unruly brain, Brian.I have a scattered and chaotic mind. It’s why these Substacks are so so long sometimes; and indeed will be today. The meandering thought processes with cul de sacs and endless wrong turns down C roads are very true to how Brian is. She/he/it/I don’t contain focus on one task well, we avoid the task in hand like a ten car pile up and instead go pom de pom pom pomming down a little rutted path that goes nowhere often but occasionally loops back to where we are meant to be going. I won’t overextend this metaphor. Suffice to say, especially when I am on a deadline (like I am now) Brian causes me a great deal of stress. “Come on Brian, let’s write this story about the new generation revival of British folk culture. I’ve got us some tea, water and we’re wearing our comfortable writing clothing. Ready, set, go…” Brian is glued to some websites about Isosceles triangles. Brian is urgently making a very elaborate quite laborious pig’s trotter stock, Brian is kissing and stroking the dogs, Brian is thinking hard about the ethics of writing about a new insane next level spa for superrich people when most people aren’t making the bills, let alone superrich (see Substack archive). Brian is…fucking useless.
Lately, I have been taking drugs designed for people with attention deficit and hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). It’s been going well. On them, Briain is tamed. The first time I took them, I knew this could be life changing for me. I could see my efficiency with work, with money, with time-keeeping, with the dreaded life admin improving. It quietened my mad jabbering monkey mind and stopped me feeling so emotionally porous. If someone was curt or dismissive I just thought, ah well, instead of their malevolence penetrating me to the core. Concerta gave me hope.
Until it ran out. And I missed it real bad. The Saltburn actor Barry Keoghan, who was diagnosed with ADHD in 2020, described it as, “My mind used to be like a traffic jam, crazy, and then with the medication it’s like: One car goes, then another car goes…”
The first time I sat down and popped one I could feel the mental noise dissipate and thought, ‘Ooh, this is nice. This must be what it feels like to be normal?’ Can I have some more.” She gave me a few. I couldn’t ask again. Could I?
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